Coping With a Lost Pet: Managing the Grief
Searching for a missing pet takes a toll, and there are ways to carry it: pacing yourself, sharing the work, talking honestly with your children and knowing who to call.
Losing a pet is stressful, especially when the search runs on for days. Looking after yourself is part of keeping the search going. If you haven't yet done the practical round, start with what to do in the first hour after your dog goes missing.
Planning the day
It can help to plan the day. Call vets, shelters and your microchip database in the morning, put up posters and knock on doors after work, and take one last walk in the evening.
Always keep your phone with you. If someone finds your pet, the number on the poster and the record linked to the chip is how they reach you. While you're on the phone, tell your microchip database your pet is missing: that stops anyone else changing the record and lets you confirm your contact details are right. The chip itself holds only a number; it's the record on the database, with your name and phone, that a vet or warden uses to reach you.
Let other people carry some of it
You can't poster every street, ring every vet and walk every field yourself, so ask for help. Give people specific jobs: one person handles social media, one prints and laminates posters, one drives the wider loop.
Put missing posters in plastic sleeves and place them in shops, vets, pubs, on notice boards and on neighbours' doors. Register on lost and found websites and share on social media.
People mean well and will ask what they can do. Have an answer ready. "Put this poster in your window" or "check your shed and garage" gives them something useful and takes it off your list. Take your dog's favourite toy on the search too, since familiar sounds and scents can tell a dog you're there.
You can also register your dog with DogLost, a free national lost and found dog database run by volunteers across the UK. Watch out for scam calls from people who claim to have found your pet and then ask for a processing fee or vet costs. If you're sharing the search online, read how to post a lost dog on Facebook and what to include first.
If friends want to organise a wider effort, point them at how to set up a community search and let them run it. That way you can concentrate on staying reachable and keeping the search going.
What to tell your children
Tell them the truth: your pet is missing, everyone is looking, and you don't yet know how it will end. Give them a job too, such as drawing a poster, helping choose the photo or walking a safe route with you.
Answer their questions as they come, including the repeated ones. If they ask whether the dog is coming back, the honest answer is that you're doing everything you can, and lots of people are helping.
Someone to talk to
You don't have to go through a long search on your own. There are free support lines you can call.
Feeling guilty or blaming yourself is a common part of grief, and there's no right way to feel. A missing pet can be especially hard because there's often no closure. Writing down what you feel, and what you would say to your pet, can help.
Blue Cross run Pet Loss Support, a free and confidential helpline, webchat, email and Facebook group for people coping with the loss of a pet. It covers enforced separation and theft, and has run for 30 years. The phone line is 0800 096 6606, open every day from 8.30am to 8.30pm. Calls are confidential: they can't see your number and can't call you back.
You can call about a pet who is missing or stolen, so you don't need to wait for bad news. The volunteers have all lost a pet themselves and have completed a training course.
If you'd rather type than talk, you can email [email protected] and get a reply within 48 hours. You can also use the webchat with trained volunteers during the same daily hours, send a confidential online form, or join the private, moderated Facebook group. Outside those hours, Samaritans are on 116 123, available any time.
If it's a cat that's missing, Cats Protection run Paws to Listen, a free grief support line where you can talk in confidence. It covers a missing cat as well as bereavement and separation. It's staffed by trained volunteer listeners rather than counsellors. The number is 0800 024 94 94, open 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday except bank holidays. There's a call-back service if the lines are busy and a contact form if you'd rather write.
If weeks go by
Keep the listing live and the posters fresh. Re-share the social posts every so often. Ring the shelters and vets again on a regular cycle rather than once. How shelters and microchips work together to reunite pets with families explains what happens on their side when a stray comes in.
If you're worried the search is drifting, read the mistakes that can delay finding a lost pet. Only you can decide when it's time to stop looking. Even if you stop actively searching, there's still hope your pet may be found and reunited with you. It's also normal to grieve for a missing pet no matter how long you've been apart.
There's no time limit on grief: it can't be forced or sped along, and you should be patient with yourself. If grief becomes complex or prolonged and you're not coping, see your GP for extra support.
Taking care of yourself is one side of a long search. The other is the chip's record: an up-to-date name and phone on it is what gets your dog home. A dog registered with Pet Database receives lost pet alerts.
Pace yourself through the days, keep your details current on the record, and report your dog as missing with Pet Database so anyone who scans can reach you.
